The Adventures of ATOR:

Revolting the Universe

by Ken Dube

Ator and his crew sailed uncontrollably through the stars. His crew attached themselves by their fingernails to the wooden beams of the ship. Ator stood at the foot of the ship and laughed at the “god of fate” whose face could be seen in the stars. Ator gave out an echoing laugh and flexed his muscles against the wind. A repulsive odor rose to his nostrils. His nostrils flared like a bull’s, and he looked around him to discover where the odor was coming from. He looked down and found “Nerdus the blunderer” vomiting on his shoes. Just as Ator was building up his temper to pulverize him, they crashed.

Ator awoke to find himself hugging the bust at the lead of the ship. He shook the cobwebs out of his head and checked on his crew. ‘This isn’t good,’ he thought. The crew had impaled themselves with the oars when they crashed. They looked like viking-kabobs.

Ator checked his surroundings and found that he was alone on a deserted planet. Beams of light from the heavens suddenly struck the earth. Ator knelt down and prayed for the gods to spare him.

People in pajama outfits appeared at the bottom of the light beams. Ator rose to his feet, “What? These are but wimpy mortals.”

The leader of the group gave him the finger and said, “Peace, we mean you no harm. We saw your ship crash and thought you might need some help.”

“Ator needs no one!” Ator replied in anger.

“Your crew is dead, your ship is now a store of toothpicks, and Doctor Olivia Latspley can give you the medical attention you need.” The doctor stands next to the leader.

“You have wenches,” Ator said, “Why didn’t you say so in the first place!” Ator walked over to the landing party, dwarfing them in his midst.

“One more to beam up,” The leader radioed to the ship above them. A beam of light shown on Ator and a rope hit him on the head.

“The lights are just for affect,” the leader said. “We like to make our enemies think we’re more technologically advanced. We got the idea from an old movie. Climb up the rope and we’ll meet you aboard the ship.”

The ship was in the shape of a hair dryer just below the cloud line. Ator gave a powerful tug on the rope to pull himself up. Instead of lifting himself in the air, the ship was pulled almost to the ground.

The landing party fell to the ground with the new slack in the rope. Ator said, “Ator not go to ship, ship go to Ator.”

“I wish I thought of that,” said the leader half-dazed.

Once aboard, Ator is escorted to the bridge. Ator has to duck his head to keep from bumping the ceiling. The men of the crew are in awe of his physical prowess. The women are tugging at him in all directions to show him their stations first.

“Enough!” came a yell from the easy-chair in the middle. “Everyone back to your stations. I am captain O’Toole of the Earthship 78946-SUX. What do you call yourself?”

“I am Ator, avenger of the gods.”

“OK Ikor, listen to me and listen to me good. I’m in charge here. You’re on my ship now. It may not look like much of a ship. I know what your thinking, it looks like a hairdryer. Well it seems our Japanese designers had a sense of humor. Well I don’t. If you think you can come aboard with your massive muscles, your golden hair, and your soft, innocent eyes...”

“I think what the captain say is welcome aboard,” came a voice from a station to the left. “I am second in command, Skru Yu. To my right is communications officer Sanchez Oldwhore. In charge of security is Bruno Brekyerfasa. He the one with big nose. In charge of engineering is Stash Nobranski. Last but least is our cook, Lenny Latrine. The rest of the crew is not important. They change every few days and usually killed.”

All of a sudden, a muffled noise came from Ator’s behind. His face turned red with embarrassment as everyone looked at him with disgust. The noise came again and he felt an itch back there he had to scratch. Upon scratching, he noticed something was sticking out of him. He grabbed it and pulled it out. In his hands was Nerdus, whose color was not good at the moment.

“Doctor, resuscitate that man,” the captain ordered.

“Up yours,” she replied.

Ator put him down, “Nerdus my little friend, you’re alive.” Ator gave him a hug that made his eyes pop out. “Don’t worry, I will protect you and bring us back to our time alive.” Ator released him and he fell to the floor in a pile.

Suddenly, the ship jolted throwing everyone against the viewing screen. Coming to, the captain yelled, “Skru Yu, what happened,” and quickly downed some scotch.

“Captain, it seems we hit something,” Skru Yu answered.

“I know we hit something,” said the captain. “Why didn’t it show up on the screen?”

“I change slide,” he said. A picture of Latrine and Oldwhore making it appears on the screen. “One thousand pardons, sir, wrong slide.”

Finally, a picture of a large billboard appears on the screen. It has an advertisement for a political candidate (showing his picture) with the slogan, “Sock it to me!” The ship is stuck in his mouth.

“Red alert!” yelled the captain. “Man your posts! This may be a trap! And for god’s sake, have your pet neutered or spayed!”

Ator and Nerdus were confused by the flashing (disco) lights and the sirens. Security Officer Bruno Brekyerfasa placed a laser gun in Ator’s hand.

“Use this if it becomes necessary,” Bruno yelled.

Ator examined the gun, not sure of what to do with it. He sniffed it and then noticed the pointy front of the weapon. He raised it to his head and scratched the inside of his ear with it. Everyone looked at him in shock. Ator accidentally pulled the trigger and a laster beam went in the ear and out of the other, zapping an unnamed crew member out of existence.

“Ator hear much better now,” he said to ease the tension.

“Get that gun away from him and for Pete’s sake turn off all those lights and sounds,” the captain yelled.

A team of unnamed security officers grab Ator and Nerdus. (In individual close-ups) Nerdus kicks one of them in the balls and puts split fingers into another’s eyes. Ator lifts three of them into the air (one on his back) and thrusts their heads together.

“Skru Yu, how many unnamed crew members do we have left?” the captain asked.

“Only five sir,” he answered, “and two of them are repairing your alcohol simulator.”

“Damn,” the captain exclaims. “Alright, enough. Transport department, prepare to beam two to the surface.”

“Dude, isn’t that kind of radical,” came back officer Narly’s voice through the intercom. “Like there heavenly bodies will be free-floating on the edge of singular plane.”

“Make it so,” replied the captain.

A (mission impossible type) character approaches Ator and Nerdus. “The lives on this entire ship depend on you to get us out of this. People from generations to come will have you to thank for having the chance to be born (Show Oldwhore with a newborn Perot on her lap). Whether or not you decide to take this mission, it will be kept confidential. Good luck warriors. This message will self-destruct in five seconds.” The messenger evaporates in a puff of smoke.

The gods have finally come to test us my little friend,” says Ator. “We will conquer and move on.”

“We?” Replies Nerdus as he starts to run away.

Just then, holes in the floor drop beneath them. They slide down the ropes within the light beams and end up pinned between the ship and the billboard. Ator props himself up and sings a warrior’s song to the gods.

“We will crush our enemy like the falling rock crushes the ground beneath it,” Ator says to Nerdus. “We will move through our opponent like the wind through the trees, uprooting them as we pass.”

Ator pulls out his broad sword, “Come to us unworthy enemy and meet your doom. I will make sure it is a quick and painless death.”

Suddenly, he hears voices from above, “Just push!” The crew is sticking there heads out and pointing to the front of the ship. “Push!”

Ator gives a disappointed grunt, sheathes his sword, and spits on his hands. He gives out a loud yell and pushes with all of his might. The ship gives way and the crew applauds. With a gap between the two surfaces, Ator falls and grabs on to one of the bottom lights on the billboard. Nerdus clings onto Ator’s feet for his life. The ship takes off, leaving them behind (“So long, suckers!” comes from the ship). This enrages Ator and he gives out a loud yell that echoes through the galaxy. When he opens his eyes, he finds himself hanging from a branch in a foggy forest. Skeletons in WWII army uniforms are enclosing on him.